A Letter To Kelly...

When I first walked down the corridor to Kelly’s office I was feeling very lost and like there was no way of me ever feeling better. I thought that I would see her and she would advise me of foods to eat, things I had been doing wrong in my diet and how to fix them. I thought it would be immediate.

I never imagined that it would be a process where I sucked the venom and poison out of my wounds that I had been suffering with before I even got to the “eating” side of things.

This has been therapeutic for me. Every session is like the opportunity to become lighter as I discuss my burdens and get them off my chest and let go of them through voicing them and sharing them. Even though I do not feel lighter physically yet, I certainly feel lighter emotionally. I feel like I need to let go of that weight before I can let go of the physical weight. This was hard for me to accept in the beginning but through the process I have realised that it is the correct way of doing things as I know that it will result in a permanent solution and not temporary weight loss – which seems to be what I “do”.

The changes that I have made since I started are that I have become aware of the reasons why I eat, the reasons why I want to eat secretly, and what I think I gain from binges.

Naming the “binging” and realising that I am not the only person in the world who does it has been one of the most important things for me. It has made me feel like I am still a human and I am normal – I never ever feel like I am normal when it comes to eating and I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life I have ever felt normal. I sincerely believed that I was the only person in the world who binged and that made me feel guilt and shame. So much shame in myself and that is what causes my incredibly low self-esteem.

I have realised how horrible I am to myself and the fact that that needs to stop. It has been good for me to come to the realisation that certain things in my life have been affecting me (Anne) when I thought that there was no way that such “small things” could have such a profound effect on me. I binge less because I am now able to recognise why it is that I want to and that allows me to stop myself.

I have allowed myself to become friends with food. I think that has been important because I have lived my whole life thinking that food is the enemy and that every time something passes my lips I am committing a sin. I think that is why I overindulge in food when I am unhappy – I feel like I need the “forbidden stuff” to make everything seem ok. I have realised that food is not evil and that eating it does not make me a failure and that I will not be judged by everybody around me for eating whenever I do eat. I am not 100% cured of this yet but I feel that I am at about 70%, which is a positive.

I feel angry that I have not made more physical progress yet as I know that I am the one holding myself back so I would like to make physical progress and lose weight, but as hard as it is for me to admit to myself… I am proud of myself for making the emotional progress that I have.

Speaking about the issues that I have voiced has definitely not been easy for me, it’s been very challenging and a lot of my sessions have ended in my balling my eyes out on the car ride because I feel as though I have ripped open wounds again in order to clean them out and that is always painful.

I am so grateful that I have embarked on this process and I know that I still have a long journey to travel on it, but unlike the first day I walked down that corridor, I no longer feel afraid of the process but I actually feel excited to be on this journey.