How on earth did I get here? 6 months ago I thought I was in control. Even though I knew my purging wasn’t good, it wasn’t happening often enough to be a problem. I was on the back end of chemo and I was sitting around waiting for life to pick me up and make me better: things were just going to get better. They had to. But that’s not how life works. None of us are owed anything by the world. Kindness is not a currency; deep down I used to always feel let down when people didn’t return the love, gifts, attention and kindness that I gave so abundantly.
Now that I truly know myself I feel safe enough to address these things. How could I expect people to be drawn to me when I very rarely saw myself worthy of my own attention never mind theirs?
I am still working on changing my mindset regarding how I see myself when I look back. I still miss my body pre-chemo. I miss my strength, and physical pride and those achievements. I miss being able to feel happy in shorts or my favourite clothes. I still sometimes feel like I don’t belong (hello trigger!) but now I am aware of these feelings and I don’t let them control me.
I DON'T miss the anxiety around eating. I don’t miss the obsessiveness. I don’t miss the disappointment and the self-hate and I certainly don’t miss weighing myself everyday or trying to starve myself. I make decisions every single day for ME. I wake up and make conscious choices that serve me and that keep me on the path towards my goals. I’m baking the cake for my brother’s wedding which is such an honour and I’m loving the challenge. I love moving my body and watching its progress: I’m doing yoga and pilates 4 times a week and I’m starting pole dancing in a few weeks time- I mean can you say goddess!!?
To answer my initial question is actually quite simple: I have fallen in love with myself. I am so proud of who I am, of what I have been through and of the path I have created for myself. I am so FILLED with life.
Thank you Kelly. You will always tell me I did the work but I will always tell you you gave me a key that opened the door to my true self.
Love one of your Goddesses ;)